.+ -= s.o.p.h.i.s.t.i.c.a.t.i.o.n =- +.

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All I want is to be who I want to be
To breathe the air that gasp mi free
To live the dreams my mind conceived
To see the world in love and peace

Let us not take love for granted
For many awaits the touch for hopes and inspirations
Dream. Dare . Do
Let the sun burns through the horizon and the stars to sparkle
Face each day with a smle for others
Never let yesterday's disappointment overshadow tomorrow's dreams....

*-=__It is not about loving a perfect person...
...but to love an imperfect person perfectly __=-*

***__________. dreams of the sparkled stars____::***

::_memories unforgottened_::
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
November 2004
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
October 2005
February 2006
March 2006
November 2006
December 2006
December 2007
May 2008

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

------ d i s a p p o i n t m e n t ------

Boohoo~ Back to the normal school days again~ Three days liaoz.....Haf been slowly back to my revision again~ No more excitment but juz disappoinments~

By 2dae~ haf gotten back most of my prelim papers~ Juz two words~ 'Screwed up!' Yea` Everything was below expectation~ Especially Math and GP which I haf put in the most effort. GP : my essay did super badly. oni got 22.5/50. Way below my normal average. Dunno is exam stress or what but when i read my own essay again~ Its juz total crap and rubbish larz! Dunno what Im writing manz~ Still tinking of aiming for a B3 and above for A'level so tat I can haf a chance of taking law~ I tink i can screw the idea as well le larz~

Math also. Haf been practising prelim papers like siaoz~ While most ppl spend most of their time studying things like physics and chem, I put my whole focus on Math manz~Haf been doing prelim papers non-stop~ And even the prelim papers tat i had done did not seemed that bad. But Prelim~ Ended up also 'screwed!' Got like an E was realli not worth my effort larz! Went for tuition juz to show Mrs Low my papers~ And it was to her disappoinment too~ She sae she thought she could expect at least a B or smt from mi~ Wad the~ Then she went through the papers and commented tat the marking was rather strict. But still, can't blame my grades merely on tat ritz~ no matter how strict, still shouldn't end up an E manz!!! Then she went through the questions wif mi again and realised that I haf a total of abt 20+ careless marks! That makes it 2 more grades to C!!! The paper was not difficult at all and is supposed to b do-able to mi~ Haiz~ dunno y also i tink i juz naturally will grow stupider during exams~ Haiz~ Simply 'Screwed!!!'

Evening time~ After much sobing~ Watched 'Get Real' on Chn News Asia~ The topic was on exactly how kind are Singaporeans. Truely, Singaporeans donate so much to charity praogrammes every year, but on the road, do people realli still show the same amount of kindness to people who realli need help??? Tat realli makes mi start tinking. Realli~ is money all that matters?!?! Guess Singaporeans realli haf to evaluate on what exactly kindness is right in the bottom of our heart.

Evaluation on myself: I volunteer. And I enjoy doing it. But how exactly genuine am I when it comes to helping people? Am I doing it because of the people I do it wif? Or is it because of my commitment to the organization? Or is it because I juz enjoy the aknowledgement of my effort from the people I volunteer wif? I dunno~ Some how all this seems part and parcel of everything~ But I thing I can't deny is I really love every moment that I've volunteered. Whether or not Its wif Bishan Home, Cheshire Home, Metta Hougang, or any other places I've gone to. though I seldom visit them recently, somehow I misses them. Mayb its bcos I've alreadi regarded them as my friends.

Still, the problem lies wif how genuine am I when it comes to helping people? If i didn't haf joined YVIP 4 yrs ago which opens mi to the various homes and programmes for volunteering, would I still haf been so passionate abt volunteering? Like, I oni seemed to volunteer well whenever I visit Homes or during events. On the road, when i realli see people who needs my help, why is there always this sudden jerk holds mi back from helping the ppl on the road? Somehow it seems to mi that I will mind how and if ppl look at mi when im on the street for other purposes. And sometimes I seemed to allow myself to tink ' Let them learn to b independent, they shouldn't need our help all the time.' Is this some kind of excuss that I give o myself? I dunno....

Somehow, Im suddenly veri disappointed wif myself. Wif everything that im doing, and wif how genuine I am to myself. I dunno. Is it worth it all? Is it the Christine I am, or is it the Christine that I've always assumed myself to b?

::__. eXquisTic . SoPhiStIcaTion____::
Wednesday, September 29, 2004